We had a wonderful turnout for our first of two Coping with Grief During the Holidays workshops on Saturday, Nov. 5, featuring author and grief counselor Judy Tatelbaum, MSW. Judy has been doing these workshops with us for more than 10 years. Our next one is Saturday, Nov. 12 at St. Ansgar's Lutheran Church in Salinas, 10 a.m. to noon.
Here are excerpts of her suggestions from the hand-outs we give to people who attend...:
Be kind to yourself. Do only as much as much as you can comfortably handle. Get the rest and nourishment and affection that you need. Choose what's best for you--to spend time alone or to be with people, and whether or not you want to be immersed in the holiday spirit or not.
Ask for what you need. People find great satisfaction in being able to help you. Let them but if you want your privacy respected, let them know this too. If you want to talk about the person you've lost, tell them this too.
Don't compare your life with other people's lives. Feeling jealous of intact families and feeling deprived are natural reactions after a loss. But don't believe that other families are happier than your as if other people have what you do not. We tend to harbor illusions about other people live and especially at the holidays, they may not be as ideal as you think.
You can choose how or where to spend the holidays. There is no perfect solution but you can choose what you would like to do, or nothing at all. You can choose to spend them as usual, though recognize they will feel different than usual without your loved one, or you can do something entirely new.
You are in control of how you want to navigate the holidays. It is not wrong if you choose to avoid the holidays altogether or you can choose to do something you've never done before such as going on a cruise, taking a brief trip or take on other things that can pleasantly distract you. It is okay to have a good time, you will not be dishonoring the love one you lost.
Our love is not measured by the extent of our grief. We can love forever without having grief as our testimonial to that love. Remember, few of us would want others to be forever bereft because we are gone.
The best gift we can give ourselves and others for the holidays and every day is to live our lives wholeheartedly.
--Excerpts from
Surviving the Holiday When Someone You Love Has Died
By Judy Tatelbaum
Bereavement Magazine
Nov/Dec. 1991
